I’m Not Alone
No booty call yesterday.
I was going to cancel it (a moment of growth?), but instead got a text from her first telling me hubs was working from home. Instead of admitting I was going to cancel anyway, I made her feel bad by replying something to the effect of: ugh. I want you.
Needless to say, I was ok w/ not having to follow through in a very surprising day of clarity. It wasn’t because of guilt, but possibly because I was bored? That seems to be my M.O.: move on when the fucking gets old. It has been close to a year w/ the same one, and she is more messed up (mentally) than I am.
It’s time to move on. Or grow up.
In an earlier post, I admitted that I’m 90% truthful w/ my therapist about my issues. I haven’t told her anything about my sordid sexual past and desire (need?) to pursue and find (safe) women who want to fuck. (“Safe” is relative; I mean women that won’t get all Glenn Close on my ass and stalk me.) My answer is as complex as my mind: 1) I’m not sure that I can trust her w/ that dark side of me yet 2) I’m hoping that by fixing other issues in my life that I can remedy or reconcile this by myself 3) Frankly, I’m embarrassed by the sheer numbers and unsafe practice of my sexual history.
I passed up the offer to attend a sex addiction type of counseling, if only because the internet has taught me one thing: is it an addiction if so many people are willing, able and want the same thing? And don’t get underestimate it; there are THOUSANDS of people that are willing to fuck, looking to fuck, and needing that additional attention. The free porn on the net is unimaginable; the type of free porn (yes, even illegal) is so easy to obtain it’s frightening. In my honest, twisted opinion, the internet connects people of like desires (knitting, book reading, politics) and allows them to share in their similarities. This includes sex.
The therapist is a cute 30-something. I can open up to her about my other issues, but can’t imagine telling her that I’m a whore that will fuck and have fucked countless women recklessly. And I have: gangbangs, three-somes, quickie blow-jobs, car fucks, office fucks, bathroom fucks, cuckcolding, hotel fucks. My sexual history reads like a gonzo-porno directory. I’m not ashamed of it at all. I just have to figure out what it all means. How can a grown man, mature, nice, charming, good looking, married with children, and with a good, professional job be so fucked up sexually?
And yet, this excites me: I can’t be alone.
Ok, on to start my day.
Queue exit.
